Making conversations interesting with ladies at social functions?
#1
After the conclusion of my most recent LTR that lasted 3+ years, I am again quite socially uncalibrated and rusty - besides being naturally introverted.
As part of my efforts to meet new people and expand my social circles, I am attending a bunch of social events such as birthday parties etc. where other people I've never met before attend as well. 
Certainly the goal is to proceed and meet new chicks who are also there and chat them up to see if they're any good for possible future isolation/dates etc. 

These social functions are usually dry, since the participants are all professionals with considerable egos  or postgraduate students doing masters/MBAs etc. around a similar age (from mid/late20s to mid/upper 30+s), so most of the initial topics being discussed would start from work: "how do you know "host"?"; "so what is it that you do?"; and other similar super boring opening "interview questions".

Now my question is: can anyone suggest (or refer me to publications or reading material reSmile possible topics to which the conversation should be directed that are not so dry and boring with a lady after the immediate introduction ? 
I don't think it is suitable to just drive the conversation to sexuality as you would if you were doing night game at a club? Is there any alternative?

Assuming that there are multiple people that you want to talk to in the same event, and don't want to look like you're clinging to the same lady the whole time you're there, I am looking for template such as: initiate/introduction -> interesting main conversation -> get contact (or not) & eject.

From my observations I noticed that, if the same chick (maybe because she's the hottest in the room) is being chatted up by multiple guys in rotation, some guys will last 5 mins before bouncing and some will try to talk to her the whole time. 
Usually I noticed the former happens because those losers run out of stuff to talk; and the latter because Chad manages to hook her up and she's really enjoying the time with the guy she's spending the most time talking to.

How do I find the right balance so that the conversation is memorable to her and I don't need to care about competition or being blown out by Chad? 

Thanks a lot for any advice and sorry for any autism spilled in this OP!
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#2
Everyone's favourite topic is themselves and we find ourselves trying to relate to whatever's being said.

WIA mentioned it best, the undercurrent is 'I would do that/I wouldn't do that'.

What I personally do, picked up from elsewhere, is focus on 4 things.

a) Emotions - How/what does that make her feel?

b) Motivations - Why would she do that?

c) Character traits - What type of person does that make her?

d) How does she see herself - given the above, what does she like about herself? What does this tell me about her?


You can apply this lens to any mundane introductory conversation and start digging deeper. Sure, you will start off with 'interview' questions but implement the above to go deeper.

She's a doctor? Why? What made her want to become a doctor? 

She knows the host from crossfit? Why would she join crossfit?

The theme here is connecting with her. The connection is flirty and sexual when she opens up and you ramp up the non-verbals with touching and invading her personal space.

By touching, it's minor things such as holding her back when you cannot hear her and ever so slightly leaning in. Putting your arm around her when she asks who do you know, to shift her positioning and direct her as you point at the person you know. 

Little things like this. I also like to tell them to hold still (regardless of how long I know them) to brush away something off the side of their face or in their hair. Of course, there's usually nothing there but I can gauge how responsive she is this way and introduce touching. 

When she is talking, your eye contact is on point. The ol' 'triangular gazing' i.e. looking at each eye and then her lips. It's suggestive. When girls do this to me, I know it's on.

I also incorporate the 'look' with the smirk. Then you eject and go around the room and give her that look when you lock eyes.

It's optional if you want to get her number immediately or later but generally, it should be done on a high.

Essentially, don't focus on sexualizing the conversation. Let your body language and non-verbals do that for you. Let the conversation seem natural by letting her talk about herself and directing the conversation to get somewhere deeper. It's similar to what therapists do.

I hope this makes sense, let me know if you have any questions.
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#3
(12-04-2019, 03:26 AM)randomA Wrote: After the conclusion of my most recent LTR that lasted 3+ years, I am again quite socially uncalibrated and rusty - besides being naturally introverted.

Thanks a lot for any advice and sorry for any autism spilled in this OP!

I'm introverted too. I rarely go to social events anymore for lots of reasons like not functioning too well in them or people wanting me to do things I don't want to do. I propose finding something you're good at and drawing people in. For example since I spent so many years in the food industry I could give cooking lessons.  I wouldn't look at your autism as something that's a weakness.
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#4
(12-04-2019, 10:20 AM)Noir Wrote: [...]

wow, goldmine! thanks a lot. it all makes a lot of sense. 
will digest it a bit, then will put it in practice next time and get back here for more questions/feedback!

cheers!

(12-04-2019, 12:19 PM)ChicagoFire Wrote:
(12-04-2019, 03:26 AM)randomA Wrote: After the conclusion of my most recent LTR that lasted 3+ years, I am again quite socially uncalibrated and rusty - besides being naturally introverted.

Thanks a lot for any advice and sorry for any autism spilled in this OP!

I'm introverted too. I rarely go to social events anymore for lots of reasons like not functioning too well in them or people wanting me to do things I don't want to do. I propose finding something you're good at and drawing people in. For example since I spent so many years in the food industry I could give cooking lessons.  I wouldn't look at your autism as something that's a weakness.

to be honest, social events or gatherings and stuff are not my cup of tea as you might have understood but in this stage (i.e. after shattering breakup after a long LTR) I am trying to do things that push me out of my comfort zone, otherwise I end up staying home alone browsing the internet or playing videogames (at my age!) without ever meeting new people. I don't even have online dating apps accounts and am trying my best not to use them at all.
finding something that draws people in sounds good in theory but hard to do in practice because I would need first to scout suitable people to join me to begin with. 
my close friends do not have much more of interesting social circles so that's why I thought about mingling (or trying to) with strangers.
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#5
I know you said your regurgitating what you've learned elsewhere but that's great advice Noir. +1
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#6
I second Noir's advice.

I always like to open a girl with something I can play a joke off of and go from there.
It's usually something playful, childish, or maybe an 80s or 90s reference since the younger chicks dig that.

Not quite a neg.
I once opened a girl with, "You know, you have a distinct Punky Brewster vibe."
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#7
(12-09-2019, 12:18 AM)fullthrottle Wrote: I second Noir's advice.

I always like to open a girl with something I can play a joke off of and go from there.
It's usually something playful, childish, or maybe an 80s or 90s reference since the younger chicks dig that.

Not quite a neg.
I once opened a girl with, "You know, you have a distinct Punky Brewster vibe."

what do you transition the conversation into ? 
How do you go past the usual stuff like " so how do you know [host]?" etc. ?
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#8
You dont.

You move to a country where the English levels are low enough, and cultural differences vast enough that any social awkwardness goes noticed. That was basically the premise behind the RVF travel section.
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#9
A quality post full of value by ed!
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#10
(12-09-2019, 04:10 AM)randomA Wrote:
(12-09-2019, 12:18 AM)fullthrottle Wrote: I second Noir's advice.

I always like to open a girl with something I can play a joke off of and go from there.
It's usually something playful, childish, or maybe an 80s or 90s reference since the younger chicks dig that.

Not quite a neg.
I once opened a girl with, "You know, you have a distinct Punky Brewster vibe."

what do you transition the conversation into ? 
How do you go past the usual stuff like " so how do you know [host]?" etc. ?

You have to elevate small talk to medium talk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY

Good Youtube comment:
"Basically larry is saying "You are boring and unpopular, and your idea of a compelling conversation is how you forgot cursive, so i am trying to pry into your deepest personal issues so i dont blow my head off from the boredom"
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#11
Just act natural. Anything that seems forced or fake is an instant signal to them that you aren't worthy. Don't try hard. Act kind of interested, but not too interested.
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#12
(12-10-2019, 11:19 PM)TheSignal Wrote: Just act natural. Anything that seems forced or fake is an instant signal to them that you aren't worthy. Don't try hard. Act kind of interested, but not too interested.

This advice doesn't work because natural for you might be easy flowing conversation, for other guys it's awkward small talk - at best. For me, being funny is natural.

Making an impression is important and this means getting out of your comfort zone.

George Constanza, doing the opposite of what he'd normally do, with great results...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y_6fZGSOQI

In fact for most guys, this is the advice to follow. Just do the opposite of whatever you'd normally do.
I could probably slay by not being funny lol.
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#13
In my experience what matters most of all is the inner game, more precisely

Outcome independence
Believing that you are the prize
An upbeat vibe
Not taking things serious (which is the basis of being funny)

Getting these down takes you a long way and lacking them harms your game. But even with all of these, engaging someone whom you just met and someone who is in demand can be challenging if you don't have much experience. And I admit I myself need improvement in the conversation department. I like noir's response and I also like to break conversation down to the old school game techniques such as DHV, teasing, false disqualifiers, qualifying her, comfort building, kino, etc.

I especially would like advice on telling the girl why I'm interested in her beyond her looks (related to qualifying). Some girls have good style or elegance (again related to appearance) but a lot don't!
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#14
(12-09-2019, 04:10 AM)randomA Wrote: what do you transition the conversation into ? 
How do you go past the usual stuff like " so how do you know [host]?" etc. ?

You need to develop some stock answers to bland questions that are so ridiculous she won't know if you're kidding. They can be bullshit, as long as they're mildly entertaining bullshit. Don't give honest, boring answers about things like work. Find the fun parts and focus on that. If she asks where you're from and it's not that interesting, tell her you're from there, but it's a little slow for you and you're looking for the next thing, maybe Vegas.

Cold reads work, too, even if they're dead wrong. She's shy, she's a doctor's wife, she flunked out of her dance major but still sometimes strips just to live the dream, you thought you saw her in uniform in the Times in a profile piece about women in combat. If she tells you she's a flight attendant, ask if it's one of the good airlines, then act vaguely disappointed at whichever one she names. Again, it doesn't matter as long as it's fun and makes her feel some emotional energy from being around you. What most grown women really want is someone who can sell an escapist fantasy, even for just a few minutes.
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#15
I truly hate small talk, and I that must be why I truly suck at it.
This whole social gatherings thing might be way harder than I initially thought...
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#16
You probably hate small talk because you are not good at it yet and put too much pressure on yourself.

Start by simply being social in nonthreatening environments.

Make a game and see how many people you can talk to in a day. Its doesn't matter who they are. Person in front of you at the grocery store - man, they need to open more registers - is it always this crowded at this time of day/this store, whatever? Receptionist, security guard, uber driver, neighbor, whatever. Keep a count and try to improve each day.

Also, make a game where you try to find something new out about someone. What did you do this weekend? Oh, your daugher is combetitve bocce ball player, how interesting. How did she get interested in that?

Its just practice making conversation and getting socially calibrated. One you have some experience under your belt, your inner game at these cocktail parties will be very high because here is a secret - everyone there is also challenged about making conversation.

Noir posted some good stuff above once you are comfortable in your own skin. If you are not comfortable yet, those questions might come off as a bit too intense, so focus on making them casual. (they are really questions designed to connect with someone, and not something you start with) You can also use Noirs questions/approach with the randoms you practice with
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#17
i've got one of such events tomorrow due to work so i'll see how it goes, maybe i can even report my findings after.
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#18
(01-15-2020, 07:06 AM)randomA Wrote: i've got one of such events tomorrow due to work so i'll see how it goes, maybe i can even report my findings after.

Update: yikes I tried hard to sort of do like Noir said but I had to consciously formulate my questions and my conversation with effort, indeed it did not come automatic at all. The person listening to me must have thought I was being autistic as shit. Also it's even harder because while the other person is talking I have to stop focusing the listening and think instead about a suitable followup according to those guidelines. 

Looks like I have way too long of a way with practicing this...
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#19
Baby steps and social calibration. Follow some of the posts above.

Also, watch your tone when asking the deep questions; when connecting, it's curious. Save the vocal tonality adjustment for teasing/mundane questions to break rapport/challenge/be cheeky.
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#20
I gave it some thought and was reading a post by Scorpion and figured this might be of use as you're starting out. I keep telling one of my friends starting out the same shit, especially the speed/thought aspect of online vs real life (how much time they have to respond vs. running the interaction via their friends).

 All credit goes to Scorpion.

Quote:The most important thing of all these days is to come across as completely non-needy. Total outcome independence. She has to feel deep down right away that you literally could not give less of a shit if you never saw her again. You're just doing you. Why are you talking to her? Because you're just a fun, social guy who talks to whoever the hell you want to, and she happened to be standing there.

It needs to come across as completely natural and effortless. If you look like you're actually hitting on her (unless you're very good looking and have some killer direct game) she's likely to get spooked and run. Remember, women these days are accustomed to having total control over the dating process. She's used to dating being a slow paced affair conducted on her phone. It's like she's used to playing correspondence chess where she has all the time in the world to think about her options but when you hit on her directly in her face with a cold approach, you're suddenly forcing her to play speed chess. Being blatantly hit on makes them uncomfortable - it's a loss of control she isn't used to and is too fast-paced for her.

So you've got to be more indirect. Make her wonder if you're actually hitting on her at all. You're just having fun, after all. Make your close and get her contact info almost as an afterthought. That's the vibe. You're just a cool, carefree guy living life and you happened to cross paths with her.


Quote:What you say when you make the approach is practically meaningless. 99% of her reaction will be determined not by the line itself, but by your look, body language, tone, charisma, etc... If your conversation goes more than a few minutes, she will almost certainly forget how you initiated it to begin with. Just put yourself out there to say SOMETHING. Even if it's just a "Hey". Situational openers are your bread and butter but really, they don't matter. It's all about portraying the right vibe.


Quote:The old Roosh Seinfeld advice is absolute gold. If you've got the right vibe going you can literally just ramble about nothing of substance and still build comfort with her. Keep the topics light and the conversation fast-moving. Don't get bogged down. Jump from one subject to another quickly, almost frenetically. This helps keep her attention and not get bored (attention spans are shorter than ever these days).

When in doubt, just ramble like you're Seinfeld or Larry David. This sounds completely ridiculous but works amazingly well.

Example: you're at a bar. You're holding a drink with a bar napking on the bottom. Start to ramble: "What's the deal with these bar napkins anyway? They're everywhere. Do you think they sell them by the ton? Is there some bar napkin kingpin behind all of the bar napkins in the world? I'm telling you, it's probably one guy who's behind every bar napkin in every bar in the world! I need to get into a racket like that. What do you think, what's the next great hustle like these bar napkins? Come on, we have to think about it before someone else does"

^^ it's an objectively stupid and meaningless conversation but she sort of gets washed along in the current because of your energy and the speed at which you're changing topics. It's just a sort of weird hack that inexplicably works way better than logic would dictate.


I sometimes assume posters are comfortable or have a high level of game and that's my bad. I think the above will help you to work on your vibe and shake off the overthinking about HER and making things fun for YOU.

She feels what you feel so this should help with your vibe. My OP assumes your vibe/charisma/charm/presentation is on point and she's already intrigued.

If you're starting out or not sure where you are in the game totem pole (you're probably beginner then); keep the conversation light and meaningless.  For the old school guys, Jeffy from RSD used to call this 'shifting sands'.

Again, Scorpion covers this:

Quote:re: light and meaningless convo

This builds comfort because it keeps her from feeling boxed in and makes her feel like she could walk away from the conversation at any time. Buf of course, every minute she talks to you, she's building comfort. At the same time, keeping things light lets you retain some mystery about you and allows her to fill in the blanks herself. It also keeps you from bragging and coming across as a try-hard. And remember, these days more than ever, it needs to look effortless. Because in her mind, she's subconsciously comparing you to every alpha male she follows on on social media, who she assumes have to put in zero effort to get laid (projecting her experiences).

In the ideal cold approach, the girl learns nothing of substance about you (i.e. your job, your family, your ambitions, your serious hobbies). She simply has a fun, fast-paced interaction with a guy who she got a really good vibe from. She feels refreshed and interested in knowing more about you. She comes away almost confused, like "Wait, what just happened? Who was that guy? He was really cool but I know nothing about him!"
Which of course makes her want to see you again, if only to figure you out.


Again, vibe is the most important hence sort your vibe out. You will find that a lot of the shit you will say will be you qualifying otherwise, because you're starting out and every woman is intimidating and thus 'above you' in the social totem pole.

Anyways, I hope you get some value out of this and my bad for preparing you for a marathon when you're just starting out jogging.

edit: keep the non-verbals described in OP but be light and funny at the same time. The knowing when to be what is experience but fundamentally, understanding the vibe hence it's natural because you bring it out in each other.
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